If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
You Might Also Like
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Husband of the year 😂
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
This came to me in a dream.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.