What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Has there ever been a more American story?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.