My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E