[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*