In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Doug is just Canadian for dog
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.