If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.