My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
You learn something every day
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Same pineapple, same
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo