If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Kermit goes Blue.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
It’s the weekend y’all
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.