Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
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I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?