I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow