[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
…..pretty much.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists