Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.