My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
multitasking lunch
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.