*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.