I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.