*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
good morning
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.