Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Lmao
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them