“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?