* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The Backseat Boys
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like