Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My dad.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.