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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.