Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Covid like
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.