It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.