Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Mornin