Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I have so many questions.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.