With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you