Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I鈥檒l be giving birth to some batteries.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child鈥檚 face while taking a picture of them. It鈥檚 called balance.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You鈥檙e not being logical.
鈥攃ats in Christmas trees
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe鈥檚 when you鈥檙e starving to death.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Lance isn鈥檛 really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn鈥檛 fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes