My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Big Sex has us all fooled
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show