Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.