A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60