[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
same vibe as tangled headphones
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!