A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?