Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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Hit me in the face with a bird
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel