I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long