[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.