Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You Might Also Like
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
okay run it by me one more time
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.