Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”