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Happy thanksgiving!
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!