Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No