Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’m awake but I object,
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Try and stop me.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…