I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.