My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
not seeing the problem
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
This squirrel eats better than I do
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.