[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???