friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.