*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”