I’m giving up ice.
You Might Also Like
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Phones down.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?