5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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why I oughta
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I love twitter
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say