Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
And then there were 4
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.