Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.