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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window